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Hamlet, pt. 1

Today we're starting Hamlet, one of the best plays ever written. Ever. Don't even try to argue the point with me (not that you would), because really, you can't win that argument. There's so much going on in this play, and there are so many plots, themes, motifs, metaphors, and references involved, that one could spend a lifetime trying to work out all the threads in this play and still never run out of material with which to work.

Hamlet has more commentary written about it than any work written in English. (I say that because I read that the only work in English that has more commentary written about it than Hamlet is the Bible,which I feel compelled to note for the record was not originally written in English.) Vsevolod Meyerhold, a great Russian director, once said that "if all the plays ever written suddenly disappeared and only Hamlet miraculously survived, all the theaters in the world would be saved. They could all put on Hamlet and be successful." (From The Testimony of Dmitri Shostakovich.) Moreover, Hamlet may be the most-often quoted play in the world as well, something I'll take up in more detail in a later post.

It's nigh unto impossible to sum up Hamlet briefly, but an artist using the name "nubmuh" did a decent job with two panels of cartoon work. Here's the first page:


You can see the first page over at deviantart.com, where you can embiggen it, as well as checking out the second page, which concludes with "And everyone but Horatio dies."

And now, here is my condensed version of the play. I hope at least some of you will take time to read it, since, well, it took me something like 8-10 hours to write. And I'm not including the time I spent watching or reading the play. That's just typing and coding time. The play clocks in at between 30,000 and 32,000 words, and my summary is about 10% of that (if one doesn't count character names, that is). Named characters will be bolded when they are first introduced. Actions are between asterisks.

Welcome to Denmark!

Act I, sc. 1: On a watch platform outside the castle

"Who's there?"

The night watch has seen a ghostly apparition, and now Horatio, a friend of the prince's has come out to see if it's for real. It is. And all that banging in the armory is because Denmark is worried that Norway (led by Fortinbras) is going to invade.


Act I, sc. 2 : Inside a room of state

Claudius (the new King of Denmark) I know my brother's dead, but let's party, for I've just married his widow!

Role call of characters:
Ambassadors to Norway
– off to try to scuttle Fortinbras's plans "We'll do our duty!"
Laertes – handsome young man off to France: "Denmark sucks, I want out!"
Polonius – father to Laertes (and Ophelia) and secretary of state to the King – "I am a meddlesome windbag!"
Hamlet - nephew to Claudius, son of the dead king, scholar & Renaissance man – "I am still mourning for my father! Also, I can't believe you married my mom. I mean, ewww. Skeevy."
Gertrude – Queen under both kings (pun intended), and Hamlet's mom. "Get over it, Hamlet. Everyone dies sometimes."

[From here on out, anything inside quotation marks is actual text from the play.]

Claudius, again – Man up and quit being a sissy, Hamlet. Boys don't cry!

Hamlet, hanging out alone, launches his first soliloquy ("O, that this too too solid flesh").
Summary: I wish I could just die. My father was an excellent, loving husband and it turns out that my mother's a whore, who married my uncle before the shoes she wore to my father's funeral could even show signs of wear.

Horatio: Ghost = your dad.
Hamlet: Keep a lid on it until I check it out.


Act I, sc. 3: A room inside Polonius's house

Laertes: So . . . I'm off. And I want you to write to me. But before I go – I think Hamlet's just trying to get inside your knickers. So don't fall for him, okay?
Ophelia: Um, okay.
Polonius: Laertes! You need to hurry! But not until after I bury you under a load of platitudes and proverbs. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. To thine own self be true. See you around.
Laertes: . . . *leaves*
Polonius: *grills Ophelia about what Laertes said to her, and about Hamlet*
Ophelia: Hamlet likes me. He said so.
Polonius: You're an idiot. You're not good enough for him! Also, he just wants to get in your knickers!
Ophelia: I think he's on the level.
Polonius: Well, I'm your dad and you must break it off with Hamlet! Because I said so! Don't even talk to him any more!
Ophelia: I hear and I obey.


Act I, sc. 4: Back outside on the watch platform

Hamlet: It's cold here in Denmark. My uncle's an ass and an embarrassment.
Horatio: Hey, it's the ghost!
Ghost: *beckons to Hamlet*
Hamlet: I'd better see what it wants.
Everyone else: Oh noes! It might hurt you!
Hamlet: *skips off with ghost*
Marcellus: "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."


Act I, sc. 5: Another part of the watch platform

Ghost: Pay attention. I'm trapped in purgatory, but I've got news for you.
Hamlet: I swear to listen.
Ghost: You'll swear more than that in a bit, sonny. Hamlet, I am your father. Your uncle has committed "murder most foul", by pouring poison in my ear as I slept in the orchard. In winter. In Denmark. Don't ask why that was my custom, just go with it. He is a murderer and also, he's shtupping my wife, which is skeevy. And kind of like incest, so let's call it that. "Adieu, adieu. Hamlet, remember me."
Hamlet: Let me make a note of this – *writes down uncle=murderer, mother=skeevy whore*
Marcellus and Horatio: What happened?
Hamlet: Can't tell, it's a secret. But swear you won't tell anyone a thing about this whole ghost chat, 'kay?
Marcellus and Horatio: We swear.
Hamlet:
"The time is out of joint: O cursed spite,
That ever I was born to set it right!
Nay, come, let's go together." [Exeunt]


Next up: Act II, in which Polonius proves to be a scheming ass, Hamlet causes everyone to think he's nuts, Hamlet's childhood friends (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern) prove false, and Hamlet decides to check the veracity of the ghost before getting his revenge

Act II, sc. 1: A room in Polonius's house
Polonius: Please spy on my son, Reynaldo. And by all means slander him a bit while you're at it.
Reynaldo: Okay? *leaves*
Ophelia: *enters* Dad, I'm scared. Hamlet just showed up in my room, and he looked a mess. Then he spent a few minutes examining my face at arm's length, nodded three times, sighed heavily and left.
Polonius: Do you think he's crazy because he loves you?
Ophelia: Beats me. But I did as you asked and refused to see him and stuff. So, y'know, maybe.
Polonius: He's crazy because you don't love him. Except that you do, but I told you not to let him know. Bygones. I'd better tell the king and queen that I've you've driven Hamlet insane.


Act II, sc. 2: A room in the castle
Claudius and Gertrude: Hello, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern. We called you here to spy on Hamlet for us. You don't mind spying on one of your oldest friends and reporting back to us, right?
R&G: Hell, no. Glad to help. *R&G leave, Polonius comes in*

Polonius: The ambassadors to Norway are back. And I think I know what's bothering Hamlet.
Ambassadors to Norway: Fortinbras wanted to invade, but he's been called off, and sent to war with Poland instead.
Claudius: Huzzah!
Polonius: Your son is crazy. Look, he wrote these achingly gorgeous lines of poetry for her, which proves it. Or something. I mean, just listen to this:
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.

Claudius: So, did your daughter respond?
Polonius: Nah, I told her she wasn't nearly good enough for Hamlet, and she should refuse to see him or accept his gifts. And now he's crazy.
Claudius: Think that's it?
Gertrude: Maybe?
Polonius: Someone ought to kill me if I'm wrong, because I'm never wrong. How about I set Ophelia on him while you and I watch, to prove the point?
Claudius: Good plan.
Polonius: *sees Hamlet, reading* I'll go talk to Hamlet now.

Polonius: Are you well, Lord Hamlet?
Hamlet: Yes.
Polonius: Do you recognize me?
Hamlet: You're a fishmonger. Or at least I wish you were as honest as one. Honest men are hard to find.
Polonius: Whatcha reading there?
Hamlet: Words, words, words.
Polonius: *aside: He might be crazy, but there's a method to his madness.* I take my leave of you.
Hamlet: I can't think of anything else I'd rather have you take. Except my life.
*enter R&G, exit Polonius*

R&G: We're here to visit you. Because we want to.
Hamlet: You were sent for, weren't you?
R&G: Um . . . yes. Also, the actors are coming. So there's that.
Hamlet: Sorry I'm a bit moody right now, on account of SOMETHING I WON'T TELL YOU. P.S., I'm not really crazy.

*Enter Polonius*
Hamlet *makes fun of Polonius to his face*
Polonius . . .
Hamlet You are just like Jephthah, from the Bible – willing to sacrifice your daughter and her happiness for political gain. Hey actors, can you finish this long scene if I start it for you?
Actors: Sure!
Polonius: It's too long.
Hamlet So's your beard. Ignore the old man.
Actors *big finish, including actual tears*
Polonius Look! Actual tears!

*all leave but Hamlet*
Hamlet alone means it's time for the second soliloquy ("O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!")
Summary: I am weak and worthless. Here I stand talking, instead of taking action. I'll take action – I'll have the players act something out to see how Claudius reacts. "The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king."


Act III, in which Hamlet abuses poor Ophelia, who is stuck spying on him; actors put on a play called "The Murder of Gonzago", which includes a specially added ear-poisoning scene, offending Claudius and confirming Hamlet's belief that Claudius is a murderer; Claudius opts to send Hamlet to England; Claudius and Hamlet exchange soliloquies; and Hamlet kills Polonius while scolding Queen Gertrude.

Act III, sc. 1: A room in the castle
Claudius & Gertrude What's up with Hamlet?
Rosencrantz & Gildenstern Not sure. He doesn't really trust us. He seems happy about tonight's play.
Claudius & Gertrude Goody! A play!
Polonius Let's try trapping him with Ophelia.
*exit R&G and Queen*
Polonius Here, we sent for Hamlet. Pretend to read a prayer book.
*Claudius and Polonius hide; Hamlet enters*
Hamlet Soliloquy #3 – it's the big one ("To be or not to be.")
Summary: He considers whether it's better to live or die, and what death might be like. Says that conscience makes cowards of us all, preventing us from willingly embracing death.

Hamlet Hello Ophelia, you nymph, my sins are remembered in your prayers.
OpheliaHere. Take your letters and gifts back.
Hamlet I'm pretty sure that you're spying on me for your father. And/or that he's listening in. *heaps abuse on Ophelia, including telling her "get thee to a nunnery"*



*Hamlet leaves*
Ophelia Woe! Hamlet's messed up in the head! And I am distraught!
Claudius I don't think being crossed in love is Hamlet's issue – I say we send him to England, 'cause I'm worried he has it in for me.
Polonius I still think it's love. Don't send him to England just yet. Let me do some more hiding and spying first!
Claudius . . .


Act III, sc. 2: A hall in the castle
Hamlet rehearses the players and tells Horatio to keep an eye on the king, and then is a crude ass to Ophelia with references to intercourse and oral sex.

The play proceeds, and depicts the murder of a king by poison in the ear. Claudius leaves early. And when the king leaves, everyone must go. The jig, she is up. Hamlet and Horatio stay on stage together and agree the king is guilty as charged by the ghost.

*Enter R&G*
R&G Your mom wants to see you.
Hamlet You guys are assholes. *Enter Polonius*
Polonius Your mom wants to see you.
Hamlet You are a condescending bore. Tell her I'll be there. Eventually.
*Everyone leaves Hamlet alone*
Hamlet I have GOT to remember not to kill my mother.


Act III, sc. 3: A room in the castle
Claudius I've had enough of Hamlet. Take him to England. And make sure the English court gets this secret note instructing them to kill Hamlet
R & G We swear it will be done! *exit*
Polonius I'm going to hide behind a tapestry in the Queen's bedroom to spy on Hamlet. TTYL. *exits*

Claudius launches a soliloquy of his very own - Soliloquy #4 ("Oh, my offence is rank. It smells to heaven.")
Summary: Dear God, I know I killed my brother and seduced my sister-in-law and everything I have is ill-gotten goods. Maybe if I pray about it, I can be forgiven?

*Enter Hamlet, who retaliates with his own counter-soliloquy #5 ("Now might I do it.")*
Summary: I should kill Claudius right now, since I could get away with it. But if I do it now, while he's praying, he might actually get into heaven. Gah! I'll wait and kill him mid-sin. *exits*

Claudius "My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:/Words without thoughts never to heaven go."


Act III, sc. 4: The Queen's bedroom
Polonius I'll just hide, then, should I?
*Enter Hamlet*
Hamlet What do you want?
Gertrude You offended your dad. By which I mean, your uncle.
Hamlet Yeah, well you're pretty offensive yourself, you whore. Look at yourself in the mirror!
Gertrude Don't kill me!
Polonius Help!
Hamlet *stabs the hidden man* Gee, I hope that was the King. Nope. It was Polonius. Oh well. "Who knew the old man had so much blood in him?" (Oops – wrong play! That's Macbeth)
Gertrude What on earth is with you?
Hamlet What's with you. It's not cool to kill a king and marry his brother.
Gertrude Say what? Oh crap!
Hamlet *talks to ghost dad, freaking mom out further*
Hamlet . . . and so, in conclusion, don't sleep with Claudius anymore. Also, don't say anything about me only pretending to be crazy. Let me drag Polonius out of here. I've got to go to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, neither of whom I trust. Ciao.


Act IV, in which Hamlet is sent to England (to die) after he finally tells everyone where he stashed Polonius's corpse, Fortinbras is headed off to battle Poland for a worthless cause (causing Hamlet to screw his courage to the sticking point - oops, wrong play: that's Macbeth), Ophelia goes mad, Laertes returns seeking REVENGE, and letters come saying Hamlet's back in Denmark

Act IV sc. 1: A room in the castle
Claudius How's Hamlet?
Gertrude "Mad as the sea and wind". Also, he killed Polonius.
Claudius Whoa! That could've been me. Where is he now?
Gertrude I dunno. Getting rid of the body?
Claudius *summons R&G* Find Hamlet and figure out where he hid the body.


Act IV sc. 2: Another room in the castle
R&G Dude, where's the body? You can tell us.
Hamlet You guys are still assholes. Take me to the king.


Act IV sc. 3: Yet another room in the castle
Claudius Man, I'd like to kill Hamlet, but he's too popular with the masses. Best to send him to England after all.
R&G He won't tell us where the body is. And he-e-ere's Hamlet!
Hamlet The body is at supper, which is to say that he's the main course for the worms.
Claudius Very funny. Where is he?
Hamlet In heaven. Send someone to check, and if they can't find him, go to hell yourself to check there.
Claudius Very funny. Where is he really?
Hamlet In the hall.
Claudius Off to England! where they'll kill you


Act IV sc. 4: A plain in Denmark
Fortinbras Go get permission from the King of Denmark for us to cross his land to fight with Poland for a completely worthless hunk of land!
Norwegian guy Aye-aye!
*exit Fortinbras & troops, enter Hamlet with R&G*
Hamlet Well, hello. Who are you, and what are you up to?
Norwegian guy I'm off to get permission from the King for Norway to cross his land to fight Poland for a completely worthless hunk of land.
Hamlet How very . . . bellicose. Thanks for the update, and have a nice day.

*Sensing a soliloquy coming on, everyone leaves Hamlet alone*
Summary of soliloquy #6 ("How all occasions do inform against me"): I've been blathering on for the better part of five Acts in indecision over carrying out a sworn oath to revenge the murder of my father, meanwhile Fortinbras is all I'll fight to the death for no good reason. I believe it's time for me to man up; from now on, "My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!"


Act IV sc. 5: Meanwhile back at the castle . . .
Gertrude I do not want to talk to Ophelia. I am a lady, and she is a crazy person.
Gentleman If you were nice you'd do it.
Horatio Also, it would make political sense – folks might buy into her ramblings.
Gertrude Why didn't you say so?
Ophelia *sings instead of talking, but while she is mad, there is meaning in her songs: One sounds like she's missing Hamlet's love, another is about her father's death*
Claudius *enters* How are you, Ophelia?
Ophelia *sings a song about a man who would have married a girl, except that she slept with him.* Also, I'm sad my father's dead. My brother has been told, btw. *exits, Horatio following her*
Claudius Oh noes. Ophelia, she is crazy because of her father's death, we did a hasty job of burying Polonius in secret, and now Laertes has turned up from France, and boy is he angry.
Gertrude What's that noise?
Some guy A mob, led by Laertes.
Laertes *enters* Where's my father? Who killed him? I want revenge!
Claudius Nice to see you. Have some chocolate. I'll tell you what happened.
*Ophelia enters*
Laertes Oh noes! Ophelia is crazy! Woe!
Ophelia *sings about a burial* "There's rosemary, that's for remembrance" She lists off other flowers as well. *sings about father being dead, then exits*
Claudius Come with me, Laertes, and I'll tell you what happened to your father.


Act IV sc. 6: Another room in the castle
Horatio Hello sailors!
Sailors Here's a letter from Hamlet
Horatio *reads* Dear Horatio, make sure these guys give these letters to the king for me, lots has happened, in short, plot to kill me, deus ex machina pirates, R&G still off to England, XO, Hamlet Let's get your letters to the king so I can go find Hamlet!


Act IV sc. 7: Yet another room in the castle
Claudius Grief, woe, pandering . . . btw, Hamlet did it.
Laertes Where's Hamlet then?
Claudius England. I couldn't kill him because, well, his mom would be pissed at me if I did. Also, I worried about revolution.
Laertes Father dead, sister crazy. I want some revenge, dammit!
Claudius . . .
*Enter messenger, with letters from Hamlet*
Claudius Letters from Hamlet? He's back in Denmark? WTF?
Laertes REVENGE!
Claudius Good idea. You can fence with him, then kill him with a poisoned rapier. Deal?
Laertes Deal!

Gertrude *enters* "One woe doth tread upon another's heel.* Ophelia's dead; she drowned. *gives lots of detail*
Polonius This pisses me off still more. REVENGE! *exits*
Claudius Smooth move, Gertrude. I just about had him calmed down and you had to go and rile him up again.


Act V, in which the gravedigger is funny, Ophelia is buried, and pretty much everyone dies except for Horatio, with bonus Fortinbras action

Act V sc. 1: A churchyard
Gravediggers Buried with Christian rites? Imposterous. She was a suicide. But rich people can call death as they see it.
Gravedigger 1 Tells riddle
*Enter Hamlet and Horatio at a distance*
Gravedigger 1 Solves riddle *exit gravedigger #2 in search of liqour*
Gravedigger 1 *sings a happy tune, throws skulls out of hole*
Hamlet *speculates on identities of the people whose skulls they were*
Horatio . . .
Hamlet *engages in witty exchange with the Gravedigger, learns that a woman is to be buried in the grave, is introduced to Yorick's (the jester's) skull*
Hamlet "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio." *talks about death, etc., hides with Horatio in advance of procession arriving*

Laertes Why is this ceremony so meager?
Priest Look, be grateful she has one at all. *cough*suicide*cough*
Laertes O_o
Laertes Put her in the ground.
Hamlet That's Ophelia in the box? Ack!
Laertes *is maudlin, complete with leaping into the grave*
Hamlet *jumps out, eager to out-maudlin Laertes, jumps in with him to fight* I loved her more than you!
Laertes Did not!
Hamlet Did too! Also, I rant better than you do!
Gertrude Knock it off. Also, you're crazy.
Hamlet I always loved you, Laertes. "Let Hercules himself do what he may,/The cat will mew and dog will have his day." *exits*
Claudius *sends Horatio after Hamlet* Remember our evil plot, Laertes.


Act V sc. 2: A hall in the castle
Hamlet Let me tell you what happened on the boat. To sum up, I stole the papers that ordered my beheading – by axe, no less – and replaced them with orders to kill R&G ASAP. Lucky I happened to have my father's signet ring and some sealing wax on hand. On the ship. In the middle of the night. And that those pirates were so accommodating in letting me board their ship.
Horatio "So Rosencrantz and Guildenstern go to 't."
Hamlet They were asking for it. And so is the king.
Horatio You won't have long to pull it off. England will send word of what happened.
Osric *enters* Welcome back. Come to the fatal fencing match with Laertes, okay?
Hamlet *toys with Osric for a while* Sure thing. *Osric exits*
Horatio Osric's an idiot.
Hamlet Yep.
Some guy *enters* The king and queen are on the way. Your mom says you'd better make nice to Laertes. *exits*
Horatio "You will lose this wager, my lord."
Hamlet I don't think so. Everything has its fated time to die. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be . . .

*Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Laertes, Osric and more*
Hamlet Sorry about killing your dad. I was crazy at the time. Bygones.
Laertes O_o
Laertes I accept that explanation in theory, but the fact is that I am still pissed off.
*Hamlet and Laertes choose foils; Laertes makes sure he gets one with poison on it*
Claudius Bring out the wine! I want to toast Hamlet! Also I have here a special little poison something to add to a cup for Hamlet, to reward him for his swordplay!

*Hamlet and Laertes make first pass; Hamlet touches Laertes*
Osric A hit, a very palpable hit!
Claudius I'll drink to that. *Puts a pearl in Hamlet's cup* Drink up, Hamlet!
Hamlet Not while I'm fencing, thanks.

*Hamlet and Laertes fight second bout, Hamlet touches Laertes*
Hamlet I hit you!
Laertes Yes, you did. Grr.
Gertrude *picks up poisoned cup* "The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet"
Claudius Don't drink that, Gertrude.
Gertrude Just watch me, Claudius. *drinks*
Claudius O_o
Gertrude Let me wipe your face with my hankie, Hamlet
Laertes I guess I'll kill Hamlet now.

*Hamlet and Laertes fight third bout, Laertes wounds Hamlet; Hamlet fights back in earnest and injures Laertes badly; the queen falls*
Horatio Hamlet and Laertes are both bleeding.
Laertes Crap! There's no way I survive this wound!
Hamlet "How does the queen?"
Claudius She's just faint because of the blood.
Gertrude Liar! I've been poisoned, Hamlet. *dies*

Hamlet Lock the doors, find the bad guy!
Laertes I'm the bad guy. I poisoned you. But the real bad guy is Claudius. He put me up to it, and poisoned your mom.
Hamlet *stabs the king with the poisoned sword, then pours poisoned wine down his throat as well*
Claudius *dies*

Laertes Serves the king right. I absolve you of killing me and my dad, and I hope you absolve me of killing you. Claudius is to blame for everything. Bygones. *dies*
Hamlet If only I had time, the story I could tell all of you assembled here! But it's too late for me. Horatio will have to bring you up to speed.
Horatio Hey, there's still some poison in the cup. I could kill myself too!
Hamlet No poison for you! You have to tell everyone what happened here. *Hears marching and gunfire in the distance* What the heck is going on?
Osric It's Fortinbras, man of action, shooting at the ambassadors from England.
Hamlet I'm dying Horatio. I think Fortinbras should be given the crown of Denmark. Tell him what happened here. "The rest is silence." *dies*

Horatio "Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:/ And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

Fortinbras *enters* WTF happened here?
Ambassador from England Man. We came to tell Claudius that England did as he asked, and "that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead". Perhaps Tom Stoppard will want to write about that. Who's going to pay us thank us for this information now?
Horatio Claudius wouldn't have thanked you anyhow, it wasn't his wish. How 'bout I tell you what went down here in Denmark?
Fortinbras As the new king of Denmark, I'm all for it, but first, let's clean up this mess. Give Hamlet a hero's procession, for he'd have been an excellent king.


THE END

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Comments

( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
I trust that you will resurrect yourself enough to stop back for the later Hamlet posts?
(Deleted comment)
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 05:00 pm (UTC)
*icon love*
robinellen
Jun. 8th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
Excellent round-up! (And I love 'Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead')
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 05:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I love Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead as well. Hee.
erinbow
Jun. 8th, 2009 05:42 pm (UTC)
Ooo, LOVE! LOVE LOVE LOVE

And also, you have Polonius for Laertes in IV:7
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 05:45 pm (UTC)
Ooh - thanks for catching the IV:7 error. Eep! (My brain, it is MUSH!)
lisa_schroeder
Jun. 8th, 2009 05:58 pm (UTC)
♥ ♥ ♥

It's hard to pick a favorite, but I'm pretty partial to, "I think Hamlet's just trying to get inside your knickers."
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 06:33 pm (UTC)
Hee.
slatts
Jun. 8th, 2009 06:31 pm (UTC)
FANTASTIC!
I would love to art your play, here!

*wish a very rich benefactor happens upon this and grants that wish*

BRAVO! BRAVO!
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 06:32 pm (UTC)
Re: FANTASTIC!
Thanks Kevin!

That would be pretty terrific, wouldn't it?
boreal_owl
Jun. 8th, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC)
"Bygones."
You are brilliant.
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC)
Re: "Bygones."
I was worried that too many people wouldn't get my Ally McBeal reference, but evidently I had no cause for worry.

And thank you for your kind words.
boreal_owl
Jun. 9th, 2009 03:20 am (UTC)
Re: "Bygones."
It's a funny line here in context. I didn't get the Ally McBeal reference because I never watched that show.
thunderchikin
Jun. 8th, 2009 07:24 pm (UTC)
Hamlet:
A. runs too long.
B. depends too much on proprieties

Your version, however, is genius.
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
*puts lovely feather into cap*
deenaml
Jun. 8th, 2009 07:25 pm (UTC)
There's an article in June VOYA titled "Shakespeare Reads for Teens" by Julie A. Davis. Interested? I could copy the article and mail to you if you are. :)
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
How did VOYA know that it was "Brush Up Your Shakespeare Month" at my blog? *laughs*

I'd love to see it. Do you need my address? I can PM you if so.
deenaml
Jun. 8th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC)
I know! How cool! You can email me: dinalapomy AT hotmail DOT com I'll send it your way!
p_sunshine
Jun. 8th, 2009 07:48 pm (UTC)
"Inside a room of state"
Nom, nom, nom, funeral leftovers make for a great wedding buffet.

"*Sensing a soliloquy coming on, everyone leaves Hamlet alone*"
LOL!!! How many times do the characters have this premonition? I'm thinking at least 5, but that could just be a memory of Slings and Arrows.

"Give Hamlet a hero's procession, for he'd have been an excellent king."
Except for all the poison and the stabbing and the ghosts. But Jon Stewart would love him.
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC)
Claudius and Hamlet have soliloquies in the same scene. And there are six soliloquies in all, so . . . 4 times is Hamlet alone for them. Although for the "big one", he's got hidden company, about which he may or may not know. (As Geoffrey Tennant says in Slings and Arrows to Jack the movie star: "You have to decide right now" whether Hamlet knew they were there.)

LOVE the "Nom, nom, nom" quote. SO lolarious! *wishes I'd thought of it*
seaheidi
Jun. 8th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC)
Hamlet for the win!
kellyrfineman
Jun. 8th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC)
:)

How's Savannah?
dotificus
Jun. 9th, 2009 01:38 am (UTC)
Claudius O_o
Hahahahaha!

Very amusing, Ms. Fineman.
kellyrfineman
Jun. 9th, 2009 03:40 am (UTC)
Re: Claudius O_o
Thanks so much, Dot!
jamarattigan
Jun. 9th, 2009 12:18 pm (UTC)
*head lifted off by the awesome genius of this post*

"You guys are still assholes. Take me to the King."

"Nice to see you. Have some chocolate."

"Claudius: O_o."


Hamlet will never be the same :D!




kellyrfineman
Jun. 9th, 2009 12:57 pm (UTC)
Hamlet will never be the same

I hope that's not a BAD thing - I really adore the play, so I'd hate for it to be spoiled in any way. It was fun to paraphrase, though.
beckylevine
Jun. 10th, 2009 03:24 am (UTC)
I love this! Especially because everytime I read "Woe!" I heard "Whoa!" :)
kellyrfineman
Jun. 10th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)
Whoa! That's funny! And makes me think of Keanu Reeves.
jessica_shea
Jun. 10th, 2009 11:55 pm (UTC)
Just catching up on the Hamlet. This is brilliant! So funny!
kellyrfineman
Jun. 11th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC)
*assumes Elvis voice* Thank you. Thankyouverymuch.

writerjenn
Jun. 13th, 2009 06:24 pm (UTC)
I read Hamlet in high school and didn't like it much, mostly because I hated every character in it except Laertes. But I should read it again; I would probably get more out of it now.

My favorite lines from the Fineman version:

Laertes! You need to hurry! But not until after I bury you under a load of platitudes and proverbs.
I'll wait and kill him mid-sin.
*Sensing a soliloquy coming on, everyone leaves Hamlet alone*
kellyrfineman
Jun. 13th, 2009 07:10 pm (UTC)
How could you hate Horatio?

I love this play. Didn't have to read it as a teen, though. I read it as a young adult, because I wanted to. Why, yes, I am a nerd, thanks for noticing.
tracyworld
Jun. 17th, 2009 01:47 am (UTC)
Wowzer. You are Amazing, Kelly. I cracked up (and learned some) all along the way but especially loved this:

Hamlet That's Ophelia in the box? Ack!
Laertes *is maudlin, complete with leaping into the grave*
Hamlet *jumps out, eager to out-maudlin Laertes, jumps in with him to fight* I loved her more than you!
Laertes Did not!
Hamlet Did too! Also, I rant better than you do!

Eager to out-maudlin is sheer genius!

Thank you.
kellyrfineman
Jun. 17th, 2009 02:10 am (UTC)
Ahahaha! I laugh at my own jokes, and I was pretty pleased with that one. Thanks for the kind words!
( 36 comments — Leave a comment )

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