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Fallow hours - a process post

Once upon a time, about 8-1/2 years ago, I left the legal profession after being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, which makes it impossible for me to work full-time as a lawyer - the long hours and high pressure were causing flares, and I simply couldn't do it anymore.

And then, once upon a time, nearly eight years ago, after a few months of moping and watching HGTV and stuff, I decided to pursue writing. For children. I wrote a (bad) poem about a hippo. I wrote a picture book manuscript that was over 1000 words long. As you do. I started doing quite a lot of reading and research, including a lot of time over on the blue board. I found a critique group. I attended conferences and got encouraging feedback from editors. I wrote additional poems and picture books and got some good early results from my poetry, including a poem accepted by Highlights Magazine. Almost six years ago, I started this-here blog.

But it wasn't until about five years ago that I began to get serious. Four years ago, I started the Jane project - tons of research, gobs of writing. Along the way I wrote three different manuscripts involving garden gnomes - a picture book and two chapter books - two other picture books, and a large number of poems.

Along the way, I started writing regularly. I usually make pretty steady writing progress. But every so often, I find myself completely unproductive - in what I've come to think of as fallow hours - those hours (usually extending over a period of days, and sometimes into a two- to three-week period) where I lost a large percentage of my focus and/or drive.

There was a time when I worried about them. Perhaps I'd lost my mojo. Or my imagination. Or my interest in writing. Invariably, I'd start to worry about what was going on, and what it meant, and whether I'd ever write again. And that actually made the situation worse, because it made stressed me out (sometimes even triggering RA flares - why hello, autoimmune disorder!)

These days, I don't worry so much. I recognize these fallow hours as what they are: a temporary break. Turns out that just as one can only drive so far on a tankful of gas before running out, creative folks can only go so long being productive before they need a break. And as with vehicles, your mileage may vary.

In fact, it can vary project to project, depending on the rigors of the particular project. Or the fallow hours can be triggered by life events that intrude, be they personal or not. Oddly, sometimes personal upset triggers periods of creativity for me (I like to bury myself in my work, you see, which is why I got so damn much done the year that my husband was going through chemo for lymphoma); often, though, it takes a toll.

It's not surprising that between the Tucson shootings at the start of last week and the news of Lisa Madigan's fight with stage IV pancreatic cancer, I've been having difficulty keeping my focus. They are the sorts of things that make me consider my own mortality and the choices that I've made (and will make). Taking a step back to consider how best to seize the day and smell the roses has resulted in a number of fallow hours. And I'm good with that.

I've been reading. And watching a few movies. And working on a small side project for which I wrote two poems, as it turns out, so I suppose my output isn't completely shot.

I've learned that when I accept that fallow hours occur and that they, too, will come to an end when they're ready, I stay much calmer - and the fallow period tends to shorten. For instance, today, my plan was to do nothing. Nothing at all. This is my third blog post since that decision was made. And I wrote half a poem, too, because I am apparently so very perverse that telling myself I'm not allowed to write made me desperate to do so.

Still . . . I've given myself permission to goof off and/or play around until Sunday. Because just like fields in which crops are planted, we all need those fallow hours to regroup, rethink, regenerate, reimagine, and to find the joy again.


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( 47 comments — Leave a comment )
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bogwitch64
Jan. 20th, 2011 03:55 am (UTC)
Fallow Hours. That is such a beautiful turn of phrase. So wistful, but in an "ahhhhh" way.

That needs to be the title of a poem!
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:01 am (UTC)
I shall see what I can do about that . . .
(Anonymous)
Jan. 20th, 2011 09:09 am (UTC)
tanita says;
Thank you.
You do put things so beautifully. I've been in the same place, but I also know that I've been here before, and sometimes putting things aside allows you to come back to them and see them more clearly.

And I do think that I agree about the poem - Fallow is such a lovely, restful word.
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
Re: tanita says;
Thanks, lovey. And I agree that "fallow" is a lovely word.
amygreenfield
Jan. 20th, 2011 09:46 am (UTC)
I think of those times as my "winters." And I figure they're necessary for spring.

I hope you get a chance to rest and regroup, and that things blossom beautifully for you soon.
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:17 pm (UTC)
The more I intend to rest, the more I get done sometimes. (Once Jane was done, I planned to take a month off, and instead ended up writing an entire poetry collection.) But for now, I'm trying to take it easy for a few more days.
suelder
Jan. 20th, 2011 12:11 pm (UTC)
thank you for this. I needed it right now. :)
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:17 pm (UTC)
Hugs to you.
jbknowles
Jan. 20th, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
I agree 100%. Enjoy this time.

xoxo
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:18 pm (UTC)
I'm still getting a wee bit done, but I'm giving myself the gift of not having to focus.
(Deleted comment)
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:19 pm (UTC)
Hugs, Melodye.
lurban
Jan. 20th, 2011 02:42 pm (UTC)
Add to that the loss of your ritual site (Borders). Makes sense you'd want time to regenerate.
Enjoy your time!
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
I didn't even factor that in, but I'm sure you're right.
robinellen
Jan. 20th, 2011 03:17 pm (UTC)
Yes! I love that you give yourself permission to just be and let life go for a bit (I have to do the same thing). I'm so much calmer after my 'fallow' hours -- peace and joy to you, my friend!
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Robin - peace and joy to you as well. It's amazing that giving permission to lollygag actually shortens the time - struggling against the natural rhythm of things just makes everything miserable.
angeladegroot
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:39 pm (UTC)
Isn't it sad that we have to give ourselves permission to take a break? We do earn our rests after all and are so much better once we have re-charged our batteries. I'm looking forward to my day off on Monday. I'm calling it a mental-health day. And boy do I need it!
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
I think what's sad about it is that some people don't think to give themselves permission, even when they need a break. (I never used to, which is likely one of the reasons I ended up with RA in the first place!)
jeniwrites
Jan. 20th, 2011 05:01 pm (UTC)
That's the tough part, isn't it: recognizing that the fallow hours are necessary, though sometimes it's hard to pinpoint exactly why (until you're past that point). I'm glad you have the perspective to know that this, too, will pass--and also, that you're seeing bursts of unexpected productivity, too. Hugs to you.
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Jeni.
tracyworld
Jan. 20th, 2011 05:23 pm (UTC)
Such a beautiful post, Kelly. I'm glad you'e found peace with your fallow hours.
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Tracy.
akossket
Jan. 20th, 2011 06:27 pm (UTC)
aww...
Thank you, thank you so much for this post.
Now I know there is nothing wrong with me when I get like that.
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 06:55 pm (UTC)
If it is wrong with you, it is wrong with every single creative person I know. :)
lisa_schroeder
Jan. 20th, 2011 07:21 pm (UTC)
Wonderful and helpful. Thanks, Kelly. xo
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 09:40 pm (UTC)
Hugs, Lisa.
amandaswrinkledpages.com
Jan. 20th, 2011 10:22 pm (UTC)
Oh, I can completely relate. Thanks for giving us permission to step away sometimes, and not beat ourselves up. We'll eventually find our way back to the words.
kellyrfineman
Jan. 20th, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
Exactly. And it's easier to find your way back if you're not struggling against the lull.
beckylevine
Jan. 21st, 2011 12:12 am (UTC)
I used to fight those times, but I've learned there's no point. I can sit at the computer and get nothing done AND stress myself out even more, or I can step away, get something out of the way that is part of the stress, and make sure I actually get some immersion time in a book I just WANT to read. Then I can come back.

I say I've learned, but of course, feel free to kick me the next time I forget! :)
kellyrfineman
Jan. 21st, 2011 02:20 am (UTC)
I stopped worrying about the fallow periods last fall. I'd planned to take at least three weeks off after I finished the Jane project, and instead got inspired to write the Shakespeare poems - it was incredibly productive. As it turned into September and my kids went back to school and I started to think of working full time, I stalled for a few days. For the first time, instead of fussing I about it, I just let it slide, and it turned out that by just going with it, not only didn't I stress, but I also got back to work sooner than I'd done in the past when I fought the break. Go figure.
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