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As You Like It - in short(ish) form

Finally today, my summary of As You Like It, which is, I'm afraid, not particularly short, although it's far shorter than reading the full play. Please remember that all female roles would have been played by a boy. The role of Rosalind is therefore very tricksy - it would have been a boy pretending to be a girl (Rosalind) dressed as a boy (Ganymede) asking a man to pretend she's a girl (Rosalind). Follow along, won't you?

Cast of key characters

Duke Senior – exiled into the Forest by his usurping younger brother
Duke Frederick – usurping younger brother

Rosalind – Duke Senior's daughter, who stayed back at the court, and our main character
Celia – Duke Frederick's daughter, Rosalind's cousin (more like a sister, really)

Oliver – eldest son of the deceased Sir Rowland de Boys (who was in like Flynn with Duke Senior, but out with Duke Frederick)
Orlando – youngest son of Sir Rowland de Boys, who is neglected and oppressed by Oliver
Adam – an old servant employed by Oliver, but loyal to Orlando

Touchstone – a professional Fool at court
Le Beau – a courtier at Duke Frederick's court

Jaques – a Lord in attendance on the exiled Duke Senior, and a philosopher
Amiens – a Lord in attendance on the exiled Duke Senior, and a singer

Corin – a shepherd
Silvius – a young shepherd, in love with Phoebe
Phoebe – a young shepherdess who refuses Silvius's offers of love
Audrey – a goat keeper
William – a young man in love with Audrey
Sir Oliver Martext – a parish priest


Scene 1: Orchard outside Oliver's house

Orlando Oh hai, audience Adam – can you believe that my brother is treating me so poorly after he promised my father he'd take care of me? The laws of primogenitur really suck, yes?

Adam Try being a servant for a while, and then you'll see what really sucks. Here comes your brother.

Oliver What are you doing?

Orlando I'll tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not being given any love or respect, that's what. And I'm sick of it.

Oliver Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise.

*a bout of fisticuffs ensues*

Adam Break it up, you two. Your dead father would be unhappy. If he weren't dead.

Oliver Get out of my sight, you old dog, and take Orlando with you.

Adam *mumbles as he and Orlando exit*

Oliver *chats with a servant and then a wrestler named Dennis*

Dennis Let me provide the audience you with some backstory. As you know, Oliver, the old duke is banished by the new one, and some lords left to attend to the old one, and Rosalind didn't go with the old duke, but stays at court with her cousin, Celia, "an never two ladies loved as they do." And the old duke is in the Forest of Arden where he lives like Robin Hood, surrounded by merry men.

Oliver Apropos of nothing, are you wrestling tomorrow?

Dennis Sure am. Also, I hear rumors that your brother Orlando plans to challenge me in the ring, and I hoped you'd talk him out of it – I wouldn't want to hurt him.

Oliver I can't talk him out of it. Also, allow me to lie to you and say that he's a murderous villain, so you should try to break his neck if you can, 'kay?

Dennis Thanks for the warning! *exits*

Oliver Mwahahaha! I will see Orlando dead. I hate him for no good reason at all, except that he's kind and gentle and all things good, and everyone seems to like him.

Scene 2: Lawn before the Duke's palace

Celia Rosalind, you ought to be merry. Because I'm my father's only daughter, and when he dies, I'll restore everything to you. Okay?

Rosalind Um . . . okay. I guess. How 'bout we occupy ourselves by falling in love?

Celia Only if we're falling in love for fun, not for real. "Let us sit and mock the good housewife Fortune from her wheel, that her gifts may henceforth be bestowed equally."

Rosalind I wish we could. Fortune is blind, and isn't fair in how she hands out gifts to women.

Celia "'Tis true; for those that she makes fair she scarce makes honest, and those that she makes honest she makes very ill-favouredly."

Rosalind I think you're confusing Fortune with Nature.

Touchstone *enters*

Celia "How now, wit! whither wander you?"

Touchstone Your father wants to see you. Also, let me tell you a story about a guy who swore on his honour, but was not forsworn. Long story short, "By my knavery, if I had it, then I were; but if you swear by that that is not, you are not forsworn: no more was this knight swearing by his honour, for he never had any[.]"

Celia You'll be whipped for that sort of thing some day.

Touchstone "The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what wise men do foolishly."

Le Beau *enters* Hey! You missed a bunch of good wrestling. But no worries, if you stay here, you'll see the final bouts, because everyone's coming here for the next round. Coincidentally.

Duke Frederick *enters* I can't believe that young man insists on wrestling. Maybe one of you ladies can talk him out of it?

Rosalind That guy there?

Celia He's hot!

Le Beau Yoo hoo! Orlando! The princesses want to talk with you!

Celia Don't do this. You're bound to get hurt.

Rosalind We'll get the Duke to cancel the match, so you won't lose face.

Orlando Thanks, but I'd like to fight. If I die, I was willing to die. I have no friends, etc., (sings Donkey's song from Shrek – "I'm all alone, with no one here beside me", etc.)

Both girls Gee, we hope we're wrong about you being a loser. We'll be cheering for you.

*Orlando wrestles Charles and wins*

Duke Frederick Well done. Too bad I hated your father. *exits with Le Beau*

Celia Sorry my father's such a douche. "If you do keep your promises in love/
But justly, as you have exceeded all promise,/Your mistress shall be happy."

Rosalind MY father loved yours. Here, wear my necklace. I wish I had more to give you.

Orlando I am dumbstruck, and cannot converse properly with girls. Gah!

Le Beau *enters* So, it's like this: the Duke is moody, and you really should get the hell out of here because now he's decided he has it in for you.

Orlando Thanks, dude. Um, so – which one of those girls was the duke's daughter?

Le Beau The short one. The other one is the daughter of the exiled Duke, but the current duke is pissed at her because people like her. "Hereafter, in a better world than this,/I shall desire more love and knowledge of you."

Orlando Thus must I from the smoke into the smother;
From tyrant duke unto a tyrant brother.
But heavenly Rosalind!

Scene 3: A room in the palace

Celia What is up with you?

Rosalind I'm overwrought!

Celia "Come, come, wrestle with thy affections."

Rosalind They involve a better wrestler than me! blah blah blah ORLANDO blah. Here comes your dad.

Celia He looks angry.

Duke Frederick *enters* You. Rosalind. GTFO.

Rosalind What on earth did I do wrong?

Duke Frederick Nothing. I am demonstrating my aforementioned moodiness. Also, people like you, and I think you overshadow my daughter. Also-also, you're a traitor. Because I say so. You are banished. Banished. Banished. Banished.

Celia Then you have to banish me, too.

Duke Frederick You are a fool. *sweeps out of the room*

Rosalind Woe!

Celia Let's go off to the Forest of Arden and find your dad. My dad's a douche.

Rosalind That would be dangerous. "Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold."

Celia Let's disguise ourselves as dirty poor people.

Rosalind Let's not and say we did. Instead, we'll stay clean, and since I'm relatively tall, I'll dress up like a man. You can call me Ganymede, after Jove's own page.

Celia Then I get a new name too – I'll be Aliena, since I'll be alienated from my true state. Get it?

Rosalind How's about we get the Fool to go with us, too? He could cheer us up along our way.

Celia Done. We'll get our jewels and stuff together and make a plan to avoid capture, since my dad's sure to chase after me when he realizes I left with you. "Now go we in content/To liberty and not to banishment."

Act II

Scene 1: The Forest of Arden

Duke Senior *sings "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay"* Isn't all this living with nature stuff so much better than court politics? Somebody go hunt a deer. Although it's a shame to kill one, since the deer are our hosts.

First Lord Yeah. Jaques was going on about that earlier today, when we found a huge deer just lying there, sighing and crying because he was hiding from some hunters.

Duke Senior What did Jaques have to say about it? Didn't he philosophize?

First Lord He sure did.
'Poor deer,' quoth he, 'thou makest a testament
As worldlings do, giving thy sum of more
To that which had too much.'

And then, when a herd went rushing past us, he said "Sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens!"

Duke Senior Ooh – take me to Jaques now? I love talking to him when he's in this sort of mood.

Scene 2: A room in the palace

Duke Frederick What do you mean, nobody saw them leave?

First Lord Her ladies say your daughter was in bed last night and gone this morning.

Second Lord The Fool is gone as well. And the princess's gentlewoman says the girls were talking about that Orlando, so probably he's with them as well. I'm guessing. Maybe.

Duke Frederick Bring me the head of John the Baptist on a platter! Send someone off to bring Orlando here, and if you can't find him, bring me his brother. Mwahahaha!

Scene 3: Before Oliver's house

Orlando Who's there? (Wait – this isn't Hamlet, is it?)

Adam It is I, your faithful servant, Adam. Your success in the wrestling match has pissed off your brother, and now he's going to kill you dead.

Orlando Kill me?

Adam Dead. Get thee to a nunnery. No. Wrong play. Run away! "This house is but a butchery. Abhor it, fear it, do not enter it."

Orlando Would you have me go off and become a beggar or a thief? I'd rather let my brother kill me dead.

Adam No. Take my life's savings, which I saved up when your father was alive.
Take that, and He that doth the ravens feed,
Yea, providently caters for the sparrow,
Be comfort to my age. Here is the gold.
All this I give you. Let me be your servant.
Though I look old, yet I am strong and lusty[.]

Orlando You, sir, are from a bygone age, not like modern servants that only serve to get ahead. "But come thy ways. We'll go along together."

Scene 4: The Forest of Arden

Rosalind Here we are, in the Forest of Arden. I could cry, but since I'm dressed like a boy, and boys don't cry, I'll comfort my cousin instead. There, there, Aliena.

Aliena I can't go on.

Touchstone "Ay, now am I in Arden, the more fool I. When I was at home I was in a better place, but travellers must be content."

*Enter Corin and Silvius (shepherds) in conversation*

Corin You're going about wooing her all wrong.

Silvius I am a foolish young lover! No one ever loved as much as I! And so forth! *runs away hollering O Phoebe! Phoebe! Phoebe!*

Rosalind His plight makes me aware of my own.

Touchston That reminds me of this time I was in love with a dairy maid . . . "We that are true lovers run into strange capers. But as all is mortal in nature, so is all nature in love mortal in folly."

Rosalind You're wiser than you're aware of.

Touchstone "Nay, I shall ne’er be 'ware of mine own wit, till I break my shins against it."

Rosalind talks to Corin about lodgings, and they agree to buy his master's cottage, pasture, and flock.

Scene 5: The Forest

Amiens *sings first verse of Under the Greenwood Tree*

Jaques More, more!

Amiens You'll get too melancholy.

Jaques More, please! I can suck melancholy out of a song, as a weasel sucks eggs. More!

Amiens *sings the rest of Under the Greenwood Tree*

Scene 6: The Forest

Adam Dear master, I can go no longer without food. Put me down so I can die.

Orlando Dude, don't be so quick to die! I'll leave you under this tree and see what I can find for you to eat.

Scene 7: The Forest

Duke Senior I've been looking for Jaques everywhere. Never mind, let's sit down and eat.

Jaques *enters*"A fool, a fool! I met a fool in the forest!" Let me entertain you by repeating my conversation with the fool. I wish I were a fool with a motley coat. I'd love to be a fool and better the world through foolery.

Duke Senior You'd make a good fool.

Orlando *enters, brandishing a sword* Nobody eats anything or he dies! I am that hungry! "I almost die for food, and let me have it."

Duke Senior You'll catch more flies with honey. Or food, for that matter.

Orlando Wait – you're being nice to me? I didn't expect that, especially after my own brother was so horrible. Thing is, I'm usually quite a gentle spirit.
Whate'er you are,
That in this desert inaccessible,
Under the shade of melancholy boughs,
Lose and neglect the creeping hours of time;
If ever you have looked on better days,
If ever been where bells have knolled to church,
If ever sat at any good man’s feast,
If ever from your eyelids wiped a tear
And know what 'tis to pity and be pitied.
Let gentleness my strong enforcement be,
In the which hope I blush and hide my sword.

Duke Senior
True is it that we have seen better days.
. . .
And therefore sit you down in gentleness[.]

Orlando Thanks, but like a doe, I go to feed by fawn first. Until my poor old servant eats, I'll have nothing.

Duke Senior We won't eat until you get back.

[Exit Orlando.]
Duke Senior See Jaques? "Thou seest we are not all alone unhappy."

Jaques *recites All the world's a stage.

[Orlando enters, carrying Adam.]
Orlando Thanks again, and most of all for Adam.

Duke Senior Eat up! Amiens, some music!

Amiens *sings "Blow, blow, thou winter wind"*

Duke Senior Well, Orlando, it seems to me that you really are Sir Rowland's son. "I am the duke that loved your father." Welcome to Arden! Tell me how you ended up in this predicament.


Scene 1: A room in the palace

Duke Frederick What do you mean you don't know where Orlando is? You've got one year to turn up with him. In the meantime, I'm seizing all your land and possessions.

Oliver I never loved my brother!

Duke Frederick Have a nice day. Mwahahaha!

Scene 2: The Forest

Orlando And now I speak in poetry, and carve her name upon a tree. *exits*

[Enter Corin and Touchstone.]
Corin How do you like being a shepherd?

Touchstone It's good, if you're a shepherd. Not being a shepherd, it's not so good. Let us exchange witticisms and philosophy, thereby amusing the crowd.

Corin Yes, let's. "I know the more one sickens the worse at ease he is; and that he that wants money, means and content is without three good friends; that the property of rain is to wet and fire to burn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that a great cause of the night is lack of the sun; that he that hath learned no wit by nature nor art may complain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred."

[Enter Rosalind, dressed as Ganymede, reading one of Orlando's bad poems.]

Touchstone That poem sucks. I shall prove it by extemporizing equally bad but completely hilarious verses just like it, ending with a sexual innuendo and a comment: "He that sweetest rose will find/Must find love's prick and Rosalind. This is the very false gallop of verses: why do you infect yourself with them?"

Rosalind I found them on a tree.

Touchstone "Truly, the tree yields bad fruit."

Celia *enters, reading a different one of Orlando's bad poems, then tells Corin to shove off*

Touchstone "Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable retreat;
though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage." *They clear off a ways*

Celia Have you heard these verses?

Rosalind Those and more, "for some of them had in them more feet than the verses would bear." (Gotta love jokes based on poetic meter.)

Celia Know who wrote them? Here's a hint – he wears your necklace around his neck.

Rosalind Who is it?

Celia " O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful wonderful, and yet again wonderful, and after that out of all whooping!"

Rosalind Look, I know I'm dressed like a man, but I've got a woman's curiosity. Tell me who it is!

Celia It's Orlando, of course.

Alas the day! What shall I do with my doublet and hose? What did he when thou saw'st him? What said he? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes him here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he? How parted he with thee? And when shalt thou see him again? Answer me in one word.

Celia You're kidding, right? *Tries to tell Rosalind what she knows, but keeps getting interrupted* Shut it, wouldja?

Rosalind Hey – you know I'm a woman, and therefore "when I think, I must speak."

[Enter Jaques and Orlando.]
Jaques Nice to meet you and all, but I'd rather be alone.

Orlando Me too. "I do desire we may be better strangers."

Jaques Quit writing on trees.

Orlando Quite reading my poems. And badly, at that.

Jaques You're a witty fellow. How 'bout we hang out for a while?

Orlando Let's not and say we did.

Jaques Fine – I was looking for a Fool anyhow.

Orlando " He is drowned in the brook. look but in, and you shall see him."

Jaques Hey! *flounces off*

Rosalind *whispers to Celia her intention to go and pester Orlando dressed as Ganymede* Hey! You! What time is it?

Orlando There aren't any clocks in the forest.

Rosalind Engages in witty discourse on the nature of time.

Orlando You seem awfully well-educated for a shepherd.

Rosalind Yeah, well, I had an educated uncle. He said all women are the same, and full of faults.

Orlando Tell me more.

Rosalind Nope. I'm saving my help for whoever the poor sap is who's been writing poems and littering them all over the forest. I'd help cure him of his love.

Orlando Hey! That's me!

Rosalind Nope. It can't be you. You don't look as miserable as my uncle said you should. "But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?"

Orlando "Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much."

Rosalind "Love is merely a madness[.]" And I can cure you. You must pretend that I am the woman you love, and I will treat you in such a way as to cure you.

Orlando I don't want to be cured.

Rosalind But I'd like to do it. Just turn up every day and call me Rosalind.

Orlando I know I just said no, but it's evidently a man's prerogative to change his mind, so I'll do it!

Scene 3: The Forest

Touchstone Do you love me Audrey? Do you? Do you? Huh?

Audrey Why should I?

Touchstone I'm here with you and your goats, talking about Ovid. And all my jokes are falling flat. I wish you were more poetical.

Audrey I'm not sure what you mean by poetical: chaste and honest? Is it true?

Touchstone "No, truly; for the truest poetry is the most feigning; and lovers are given to poetry, and what they swear in poetry may be said as lovers they do feign."

Audrey And you want me to be more poetical?

Touchstone Yes. Then, when you tell me that you're chaste I'd know you were feigning.

Audrey Wait. You don't want me to be a virgin?

Touchstone Not really, unless you were ugly. Chastity and beauty together is like serving sugar with a honey sauce.

Audrey Well, I'm not a beauty, so at least let me be chaste.

Touchstone "Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut were to put good meat into an unclean dish." (And yes, that's just as dirty as you suspect it of being.)

Audrey "I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul." (KRF: I cannot stop laughing at this line. It makes me laugh every time I read or hear it.)

Touchstone "Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness! sluttishness may come hereafter. But be it as it may be, I will marry thee[.]"

Their marriage is scuttled by Jaques, who intervenes when Sir Oliver Martext turns up at the goat shed to marry them.

Scene 4: The Forest

Rosalind I will weep.

Celia Do it. Although "tears do not become a man."

Rosalind But why did he swear he'd come this morning and not do it?

Celia I guess he's a liar.

Rosalind What?

Celia Well, you know he's here in the forest, attending your father the duke.

Rosalind I met the duke yesterday, and he asked me what my parentage was. I told him as good as his, and he laughed. But why talk of fathers when we could speak of Orlando?

Corin *enters* Hey – remember me telling you about that lovesick shepherd? Come have a laugh at his expense!

Scene 5: Another part of the Forest

Silvius Sweet Phoebe, tell me you don't love me if you must, but not in bitterness.

Phoebe You keep telling me that my eyes are murderous, but you are so not dead. And not in a zombie sense, either.

Silvius Just wait until YOU fall for someone.

Phoebe Fine. You can mock me then, but until then, get the hell away from me.

Rosalind (Aaaand . . . that's my cue!) Who do you think you are to be so high and mighty with Silvius? You're no great beauty, and your manners suck. Why do you look at me like that? Oh no you don't! I'm not interested. And you, Silvius – why do you want her anyway? It's not like you'll have cute children with her!
But, mistress, know yourself. Down on your knees
And thank heaven, fasting, for a good man's love,
For I must tell you friendly in your ear:
Sell when you can; you are not for all markets.
Cry the man mercy, love him, take his offer.

Phoebe Sweet youth, chide on. I'd rather listen to you chide than to Silvius wooing me.

Rosalind "I pray you, do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine.
Besides, I like you not." *Exits with Corin and Celia*

Phoebe "Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?" Since we're both miserable in our love for people who don't love us back, let's hang out.

Act IV

Scene 1: The Forest

Jaques Hey there, youth, let me tell you about my melancholy.
[I]t is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry's contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

Rosalind A traveler! By my faith, you have great reason to be sad: I fear you have sold your own lands to see other men's; then, to have seen much and to have nothing, is to have rich eyes and poor hands.

Jaques Yes, I have gained my experience.

Rosalind And your experience makes you sad: I had rather have a fool to make me merry than experience to make me sad; and to travel for it too!

Orlando *enters* Good day and happiness, dear Rosalind!

Jaques Nay, then, God be wi' you, an you talk in blank verse. (KRF: Another poetry joke!)

Rosalind You sir, are late! That's no way to be a lover.

Orlando "Pardon me, dear Rosalind."

Rosalind I'd rather be wooed by a snail.

Orlando A snail?

Rosalind Sure, "for though he comes slowly, he carries his house on his head." Alright, go on and woo me.

Orlando If you were my Rosalind, I'd kiss you first.

Rosalind If I were your Rosalind, I'd turn you away.

Orlando Then I'd die.

No, faith, die by attorney. The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and in all this time there was not any man died in his own person, videlicit, in a love-cause. Troilus had his brains dashed out with a Grecian club; yet he did what he could to die before, and he is one of the patterns of love. Leander, he would have lived many a fair year, though Hero had turned nun, if it had not been for a hot midsummer night; for, good youth, he went but forth to wash him in the Hellespont and being taken with the cramp was drowned and the foolish coroners of that age found it was 'Hero of Sestos.' But these are all lies: men have died from time to time and worms have eaten them, but not for love.

Orlando If my real Rosalind thought such a thing, her frown might kill me.

Rosalind "By this hand, it will not kill a fly. But come, now I will be your Rosalind in a more coming-on disposition, and ask me what you will. I will grant it."

Orlando Then love me.

Rosalind And so I will, "Fridays, Saturdays and all."

Orlando So you'll marry me.

Rosalind Are you good?

Orlando Yes.

Rosalind "Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?" Let's get my sister Celia Aliena to play the priest and marry us. *they exchange vows* But how long would you keep her?

Orlando Forever and a day.

Rosalind Say a day without the forever.
No, no, Orlando; men are April when they woo, December when they wed.
Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives. I will be more jealous of thee than a Barbary cock-pigeon over his hen, more clamorous than a parrot against rain, more new-fangled than an ape, more giddy in my desires than a monkey. I will weep for nothing, like Diana in the fountain, and I will do that when you are disposed to be merry; I will laugh like a hyena, and that when thou art inclined to sleep.

Orlando But will my Rosalind do so?

Rosalind By my life, she will do as I do.

Orlando O, but she is wise.

Rosalind Or else she could not have the wit to do this. The wiser, the waywarder. Make the doors upon a woman's wit, and it will out at the casement. Shut that, and 'twill out at the key-hole. Stop that, 'twill fly with the smoke out at the chimney.

Orlando Gotta jet – I'll be back at 2 o'clock. I promise. *exits*
Celia "You have simply misused our sex in your love-prate. We must have your doublet and hose plucked over your head, and show the world what the bird hath done to her own nest."

Scene 2: The Forest

A small scene and song about the killing of the deer, with requisite references to the wearing of horns.

Scene 3: The Forest

Rosalind It's after two o'clock, and no Orlando!

Celia Bet he's sleeping.

Silvius *enters* Begging your pardon, sir, but Phoebe asked me to give this letter to you. Don't shoot the messenger, etc.

Rosalind Wow. Phoebe sure is cruel. And writes in a manly hand. *reads letter aloud with interjections* Tells Silvius "say this to her: that if she love me, I charge her to love thee; if she will not, I will never have her unless thou entreat for her. If you be a true lover, hence, and not a word; for here comes more company."

[Exit Silvius, enter Oliver.]
Oliver Sorry to bother you. Do you know where Ganymede's house is?

Celia Yes. But we aren't home.

Oliver He bid me bring this bloody handkerchief to the boy who he calls Rosalind.

Rosalind He . . . what?

Oliver So. I was sleeping under a tree, and he saw a man there, and a snake almost went into his mouth, but it slid away. And Orlando saw a lioness watching the man, who turned out to be his elder brother.

Celia We hear he's a prat.

Oliver You are so right.

Rosalind But Orlando – did he leave the man there for the lioness?

Oliver Twice he turned to do just that, but he couldn't, being so kind. Instead, he fought the lioness, and I woke up.

Celia You're the prat brother?

Oliver Yes. I am, and I am not, for I'm a changed man. Then Orlando took me to the good duke, but after a while he passed out because the lioness took a bite out of his arm. But he bade me find Rosalind and make his apologies, so here I am.

Rosalind *SWOON*

Celia Ganymede! Wake up!

Oliver Lots of folks swoon at the sight of blood.

Celia There's more to it than that.

Oliver Hey there, boy! "You lack a man's heart."

Rosalind Boy, do you have that right. "Tell your brother how well I counterfeited. Heigh ho!"

Oliver That was awfully real.

Rosalind Counterfeit.

Oliver "Well then, take good heart and counterfeit to be a man."

Rosalind "So I do: but, i' faith, I should have been a woman by right."

Celia You'd better get home and lie down. You look awful.

Act V

Scene 1: the Forest

Touchstone tells William to clear off and give up all hope of having Audrey. Along the way he uses the phrases "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." and "I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways."

Scene 2: the Forest
Orlando Seriously? You're in love with Aliena?

Oliver Seriously. We want to get married, and you can have my whole estate, and I'll stay here with her and be a shepherd.

Orlando You have my blessing. I'll set it up with the duke for tomorrow.

Rosalind *enters and calls Oliver "brother"*

Oliver *exits, calling Rosalind "sister"*

Rosalind – as Ganymede Did your brother tell you how well I counterfeited?

Orlando Yes, and greater wonders than that.

Rosalind [Y]our brother and my sister no sooner met but they looked, no sooner looked but they loved, no sooner loved but they sighed, no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason, no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy; and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage which they will climb incontinent, or else be incontinent before marriage: they are in the very wrath of love and they will together; clubs cannot part them.

Orlando They shall be married to-morrow, and I will bid the duke to the nuptial. But, O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes! By so much the more shall I to-morrow be at the height of heart-heaviness, by how much I shall think my brother happy in having what he wishes for.

Rosalind Why then, to-morrow I cannot serve your turn for Rosalind?

Orlando I can live no longer by thinking.

Rosalind I will weary you then no longer with idle talking.

You can watch Act V, scenes 2 & 3 here – that's Roberta Roxwell as Rosalind/Ganymede, Andrew Gillies as Orlando, John Jarvis as Silvius, and Mary Haney as Phoebe at the Stratford Shakespeare Festival in 1982. You can see what happens next in this scene:

Scene 3: the Forest

Touchstone and Audrey firm up their wedding plans for the following day. Two pages to Duke Senior turn up and sing this song:

It was a lover and his lass,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
That o'er the green corn-field did pass
In the spring time, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding:
Sweet lovers love the spring.
Between the acres of the rye,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino
These pretty country folks would lie,
In spring time, & c.
This carol they began that hour,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,
How that a life was but a flower
In spring time, & c.
And therefore take the present time,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino;
For love is crowned with the prime
In spring time, & c.

Scene 4: the Forest

Duke Senior Do you believe the youth?

Orlando I sometimes do, and sometimes do not.

Rosalind *enters dressed as Ganymede* I just want to firm up the deal. Duke, you say if I bring Rosalind here, you'll let her marry Orlando?

Duke Senior Yes.

Rosalind And if I bring Rosalind here, you'll marry her?

Orlando Yes.

Rosalind And if I decide not to marry you, you'll marry Silvius?

Phoebe Yes.

Rosalind And you'll marry Phoebe?

Silvius Yes.

*Rosalind and Celia exit*

Duke Senior You know, that shepherd boy looks a lot like my daughter.

Orlando When I first saw him, I thought he was your daughter's brother. But he's been raised by a magician uncle in the forest, so I guess he's not.

*Touchstone and Audrey enter, and Touchstone talks with Jaques and the Duke, largely, I think, to give Rosalind time for a costume change*

Touchstone "We quarrel in print, by the book, as you have books for good manners: I ill name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may avoid that too, with an If."

Duke Senior "He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under the presentation of that he shoots his wit."

*Enter Rosalind and Celia with Hymen (the god of marriage – I kid you not)*

Rosalind [To the Duke] To you I give myself, for I am yours.
[To Orlando.] To you I give myself, for I am yours.

Duke Senior If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

To Orlando If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

If sight and shape be true,
Why then, my love adieu!

I'll have no father, if you be not he.
I'll have no husband, if you be not he.
Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

*Hymen performs magical wedding ceremony with 4 couples*

*Enter Jacque de Boys, middle brother to Oliver and Orlando*
Jacque de Boys Yo. 'sup? Duke Frederick came to the woods to try to find Duke Senior and kill him, but instead he met a religious man and is now full of sweetness and light, so he calls "bygones" and bids everyone head home where their lands and wealth await them. Jaques the Melancholy heads off to hang out with the newly converted Duke Frederick after he bestows blessings on those present.

It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue;
but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord
the prologue. . . . I charge you, O women, for the love
you bear to men, to like as much of this play as
please you: and I charge you, O men, for the love
you bear to women--as I perceive by your simpering,
none of you hates them--that between you and the
women the play may please. If I were a woman I
would kiss as many of you as had beards that pleased
me, complexions that liked me and breaths that I
defied not: and, I am sure, as many as have good
beards or good faces or sweet breaths will, for my
kind offer, when I make curtsy, bid me farewell.

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